One time I ran over an alligator. It was a big alligator. It messed up my car and lived to tell his gator buds. Welcome to Florida, Darby.
Here are my 4 tips for surviving the untamed madness that is Florida:
- If you say “Saint Petersburg” people will giggle and pinch your cheeks and tell each other how wonderfully naive and touristy you are. Just kidding they’re super mean. ST. PETE. Don’t sound like a fool.
- Roaches. So many roaches. Where I’m from, these are greatly feared and only seen around neglected, shady dumpsters. In Florida, they crawl on your face while you sleep.
- Everyone is from New York. And if they’re not, they’re rednecks.You should be scared of both but befriend the redneck. They know where to find good food.
- Sand is everywhere. I’m 20 miles from the nearest beach but somehow I sweep up piles of sand in my living room. I can only assume this is some sort of sick punishment for not liking the beach.
It really is a beautiful place. But I’m still learning to survive. So the next time you’re hiking in the mountains or water skiing in a lake that’s not infested with alligators: say a little prayer for me. I’ll be here with my piles of sand.