I’m trying to keep this blog lighthearted and resourceful. But today I’m going to heal through writing.
My brother took his life in June.
That sentence alone can bring me to my knees at times. It sneaks into my head and my heart and makes me useless.
So I pretend. I pretend he’s in Oklahoma and when I visit my family, home will be what it always was. But instead it’s the place where his absence is felt most. It’s raw.
I pretend he could call at any moment and we’ll have an awkward conversation. But the last time we talked on the phone he said goodbye. I just didn’t hear what he was saying.
So I’m going to stop pretending.
I’m going to let the pain of healing teach me.
It has already taught me so much. I try not to go down the “what if” road. In times like this you just can’t. You won’t survive. “What if” can ruin you so quickly. However, I can take the regrets I have and learn from them.
Did he know how much I love him? This is my biggest regret. The hardest thing is wondering if he ever doubted that his little sister looked up to, loved, and respected him.
So here’s my challenge to you. But also, this is my challenge to me.
In an active way.
Show people you care.
Allow people to be broken and share in their brokenness.
Allow yourself to be broken in front of others.
I’m so grateful to the people in Joel’s life who made themselves available to him. It’s one of my greatest comforts to know he had friends who loved and cared for him. Friends who prayed for and encouraged him.
Today is Joel’s birthday.
I love you Joel.
I want to love others for you.
Thank you for teaching me